Dear Ms. Judd,
As I sit in a coffee shop scribing this letter, my sanity nags at me. I am not exactly sure why I am writing, if I will send this, or to where I would even do so, but amidst attempting to complete three weeks of course work in the first week of my final semester of undergrad (I am leaving for Sundance and grad school auditions in a few days,) something made me stop to write this. I guess maybe its because I believe in the karma of Thank You's and have owed one for a while now.
So that you know where I am coming from, and the full extent of my gratitude, let me introduce myself. I am a senior at UK (Go Cats!) studying International Relations with minors in Poli Sci and Theatre. I have been fortunate enough that two summers of theatre study were spent in London and my Junior year was spent studying under leading academics in IR and Terrorism at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. These aspects of college do not define me, but they have definitely given me the time to find out who I am.
As a Freshman, I began college in a struggle that was unbeknownst to me, but manifested itself in a continuance of two long years of daily migraines...I now know, understand, and even appreciate that this was depression. A few months into that year I was fortunate enough to find a community that led me to a relationship with God. As someone who gets passionate about things quickly, I jumped headfirst into this Christian community and ministry. (Oh and in March that year we cheered on the Cats court side in the Super Dome as they won the National Championship!) That following summer I began All that is Bitter and Sweet, and simultaneously read History Boys. I knew I was going to like your book from the start and then in History Boys I read,
"The best moments in reading are when you come across something-- a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things-- that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours."
This was it! You, your words, experiences, your vulnerability were a comfort I had not yet found. I identified with your passion for international work/service, your desire to act, and so much more. Even bigger than this though, through your sharing of your time in recovery, and your road there, I became aware of the weight of my depression, that I needed to face it, and more importantly that it was okay to be there and it wasn't my fault. This was the first time I felt a sense of freedom, and I continued to highlight the pages of All that is Bitter and Sweet the summer over.
My sophomore year rolled around and culminated in the decision to spend my next year abroad in St. Andrews as they have a leading program in my field, but more so because I identified that my battle with depression was slow moving as I was the people around me, my parents, sorority sisters, christian community...I allowed them to be my voice, and although I so badly wanted to shout mine out, I couldn't bare the thought of being a disappointment.
As I am sure you are aware, the pure, unscathed wilderness of Scotland is a breath of fresh air and a beautiful beginning to a life altering year, but during the wee hours of winter, a dark place to be in a "dark place." Boy did 2:30pm sunsets help me find find rock bottom, but without rock bottom there is no up! On cold, damp mornings spent hiking up to see quiet beaches fade into the abyss of the ocean meeting cliffs and green pastures in the horizon (which lends itself to being in the middle of freakin' nowhere) I met with my thoughts on all things life. I realized where I stand with God, not where my friends stood; I harnessed the courage to risk doing what I want, even if it did disappoint; and I began to confidently travel to new countries and places full of people so unlike myself that I feel privileged to have learned that though we live in what can seem like a cruel world, the human condition is the same everywhere. I found that I have been dealt a life with many things better, some worse, and others simply different than the rest of the world. All of my time away without the influence of others, investing in myself for the first time ever, was like my recovery.
Now that I have found my voice and what it wants to say, I am pursing a career in acting which had been a secret life long dream. I know, by the leadership of the Holy Spirit, that I was put here to use my voice for others who, like myself, in someway lack one whether it is because they are muted by illness, it is suppressed by the force of politics, it is too remote to be noticed or something else I am yet to come to know and understand. I am so very excited to be at peace working in a number of ways to a life where all of the worlds I know, have studied, or experienced, and those that I have not, converge.
I apologize that it has taken me over two pages to get here, but I tell you all of this because over and over again I find myself running back to All that is Bitter and Sweet as a guide, as comfort, and as a reference to explain myself to others-- your writing has been my small version of your Archbishop Desmond Tutu. In it you note the importance of mentors in a world of loneliness because no one else lives our exact experiences. You have gone ahead to where I have not been, but look back with the love born of admirable wisdom, grace, mercy and compassion that I feel blessed to have encounter to aid me in a life of my own experiences, not those ruled by depression or my loving friends and family.
So, I feel a Thank You in order! I have never felt comfortable living life with unspoken/ unshared gratitude because its many of these small things that make the world go round.
Ms. Judd, thank you for your life, words, vulnerability and guidance.
Kindly,
Courtney Stone
P.S.- If you find yourself in Lexington this basketball season wanting to talk life, the Bluegrass, or this crazy world we live in, I'll be here rooting for the Cats!
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