Anyway, on to the real subject...my last abroad post. As I promised two posts ago, I will share on being abroad. For the week that I have been home I have been running around like crazy grabbing meals here and there with friends, coffee with other acquaintances, running errands, doing much needed cleaning, and swinging by appointments galore. Its not an exaggeration saying that today has really been the first day since I have been home that I did nothing, and I sat still in my house for longer than twenty minutes. Here is the thing though, about two days ago I realized all of this keeping busy has really just been myself creating a diversion to not deal with my "Reverse Culture Shock." Yes, you read that correctly!
Since being home I realized I have been in a weird funk/mood and my attitude seemed off. While chatting with someone older and wiser than myself who did part of their education abroad as well, they said, "Let me guess, when people ask how your year abroad was you don't know what to say? You are not able to put it into words are you?" Well, she hit the nail on the head! Not only can I not put my year abroad into words, but I am also struggling to put how it feels to be back into words, which is another frequent question. To help with this I decided to look up if it is an actual "thing" for people who have been abroad. It is. Reverse Culture Shock. I know, I know, it sounds lame and I hate using it because I feel like everyone wants to say well you were only in the UK, which isn't that different, but it really really is! So, below I will define what Reverse Culture Shock is and how I am dealing with it. Even if you are uninterested in my experience with this, which is totally valid, I hope you take the time to read the following incase someone you know ever goes through this. As far as my personal acquaintances go, I hope you read it to better understand how I may be acting so as not to take things personally if I offend you because I promise I don't mean it!
Reverse Culture Shock: when returning home from a foreign place, it is the feelings one experiences when reality does not meet the expectations of complete familiarity and the idealized version of home. It typically comes in four phases disengagement, initial euphoria, irritability and hostility, and readjustment and adaptation.
Disengagement happens before leaving the host country when you begin to prepare to leave and disengage yourself from your host. For me, this took place before heading off to London with my mom and then gradually has I went from playing host in the UK to tourist in Ireland.
Initial euphoria is fairly self explanatory. It is the much anticipated excitement felt upon arriving home and seeing friends and family. Slowly though, this transitions into the next phase. For me, the initial euphoria didn't last too long as I jumped into life at home so head on. Within a day or two, after fielding questions about how was abroad and how is home multiple times already, I found myself feeling more confused and out of place than euphoric.
Next is irritability and hostility. This is the stage I am currently in. I don't mean this to come off negative as I know it will work itself out eventually (most sources say it depends on the person and can be anywhere from a week or two up to a year.) These feelings aren't me being upset with others, but more my situations and confusion. I am feeling a bit lonely due to the fact that no one understands my year, how could they? The problem is, I am having trouble describing my year to help others understand my up's and down's which have made me a completely different person. I also often feel misunderstood, whether it be because I seem negative, but really Im just trying to readjust to life here, or it be because I am a different person and friends and family remember the old me and that is not who they are now talking to, or it be because I wear different clothes which people misunderstand as me trying to attract attention, but really it is now my normal attire. In addition, I feel like a stranger in my own home (places and people) which can be extremely alienating. I know this is not a result of anything anyone has done, it just happens. Both Cincinnati and Lexington have changed vastly in the year that I have been gone. When driving through UK's campus I almost broke into tears as I, for the first time, realized I was not going back to familiar St. Andrews and instead was going back to my old school which actually felt like one I had never been to before. It almost felt like driving through campus after freshman orientation, but before starting my freshmen year- familiar yet still fairly foreign. Also, I feel like a stranger in the communities of friends I have at home and school. New people have joined them and many of the familiar faces I knew have graduated; few of the people left seem to know who I am and I do not know them. Plus, things got really weird when I realized as little as my friends know and understand about the different me is also how little I feel like I know about them. They changed too which is only logical. Not only has time changed people and places, I feel misunderstood at times and like a stranger or lonely at others, but most things just feel different. This is not a bad thing, simply an unexpected one. I think most of us could agree that the first thing we expect upon arriving home from anywhere is comfort. My room feels different- Im no longer a teenager nor for the first time do I really feel like one, but it looks like 12 year old me still lives here. Driving feels very different and I am worse at it than ever before. Eating out and looking at a menu is currently making me lose my appetite. The foods I craved while abroad first semester (candy, burgers, wings, desserts, party foods, snacks, etc) have no attraction...I just want steamed veg! Going to Walmart put me into a fit of hysterics (I was crying because I was laughing so hard at how repulsed I was by the mass amounts of crappy food in one isle for such cheap prices.) My school feels different, friends feel different, my faith feels different.
Friends, if you are reading this, I am so sorry if I seem irritable, hostile, or the like, I am just dealing with feelings that I have never experienced before and they are revolving around my most personal aspects of life, the people and places of home.
Eventually, hopefully sooner rather than later, the above will turn in to the fourth and final phase, readjustment and adaptation. I am lucky enough to already have people by my side helping me with this even though I don't think they know it. I have had a few conversations now where I quickly turn questioning to who I am with instead of telling them about my year. Having others fill me in on their lives as well as friends lives is really helping me cope and feel less like someone on the outside looking in. I also have been offered the opportunity by the wise woman above the chance to come talk whenever I need it since she said this coming year will likely be as interesting, difficult and rewarding as my last one.
I know this was extremely long winded, but I hope you are able to use this post to either deal with the different person that I am, or simply to understand that I'm not meaning to offend anyone in the coming months, or to use it with your own friends and family who may also deal with reverse culture shock. Also, please know that this is not at all a complaint on my part, rather it is the final learning experience for me on this year's journey of extreme high's and low's, making some of the best friends of my life, figuring out who I am, defining who I am in my faith without the normal support of my community, and learning about how small I am in this diverse, beautiful world of ours. It is also the first learning experience in the rewarding, yet challenging year to come of taking who I figured out that am and applying to my life ambitions as well as adapting to life and relationships back in Kentucky after allowing the world to mold who I have become.
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