And So It Begins...

Preface: These are my journal entries for the last two days. I didn't think I would be sharing them on the blog which is why they are written how they are, but as there are a lot of friends wondering how everything is going I thought this would be the best way to keep friends informed.

January 24, 2015

As I sit here on the first plane ride of many to come in these next 13 days I can't help but to have a heart that is lighter than I can remember having in the whole of my life. I flew over a snow capped Lexington, horse farms and the long fences that characterize my home are all blanketed in white on a gray day. The sun then peeked in my window-- it came unexpected. 

This unexpected moment brought on another. My heart and mind that have been at what is the calmest, most peaceful state I have known in years started to float with satisfaction. I say float because it is not bursting with excitement or giddy with joy, but is in peaceful, calm, appreciation. The word satisfaction is used because it contains the emotions that I feel come with knowing that I am setting out on this amazing journey that is the beginning of the rest of my life due to the luck that is the residue of my life that, if nothing else, is marked by hard work.

So right here, right now, in this moment I am excited to learn from these next two weeks, to get to play in auditions, and to continue exploring this beautiful world. I am more at peace, more carefree, and more satisfied than I knew possible.

~Thank you, God for my life!

January 25, 2015

Where do I even begin? Maybe with the fact that big cities make me feel invincible. There is this anonymity that comes with being in big cities that is just magical because at the exact same time, they make me feel like I am somebody. As an introvert, I don't get my energy from people, by I without a doubt get it from places. 

It started with hopping into a cab and hearing the words, "82nd and Riverside" come out of my mouth. Soon after I was warmly welcomed into a lovely Upper Westside apartment with Brie, crackers, grapes and wine. There is nothing I could have loved more. 

In the morning I awoke to coffee, fresh made fruit salad and german pastries. Throughout most of the morning I remained a remarkable calm that was not only shocking to me, but also noted by my host. The panic eventually ensued though, but my gut told me just who to call on for a little saving; it was so right as a sweet friend offered some quick words of calm and confidence.

Audition time came. It began with movement exercises (that I nailed thanks to my Pilates class) and some words of encouragement from the department chair. Afterwards were our interviews and monologues that I must say went a little weird, but none the less fun. Do I think I got in? No. Did I have fun and learn a lot? Most definitely.

I continued on with my day in NYC with a sweet text from a rookie (God has seriously blessed me with some awesome friends), a trip to Bergdorf's, exploring the Upper Westside, dinner at a South African wine bar full of the fresh International food that I so so miss, an Uber ride to the airport, a slice of New York cheesecake, and this journal entry on a plane ride home. 

Maybe this trip didn't get me into grad school, but it did get me my first pair of designer shoes and a major realization. Today the following statement was said to me, "you're a ballsy little one!"

People always tell me that I'm adventurous, that I'm crazy for going so many places knowing no one there, and the like, but it never meant too much to me. I have never found anything that I'm really good at; I seem to be a little above average at a lot of things (usually due to hard work, not talent,) but reflecting on today this is what I have finally come to understand: I may not have a career path mapped out, I'm not on a road to marriage, or even in a relationship for that matter, I'm not super gifted at a hobby, but what I do have is a confidence, independence, and drive that it seems apparently few people are given. Maybe this is my "gift." I am not sure where it is taking me yet, but I can feel in my bones that God has it taking me somewhere-- somewhere that I will love. 

~Thanks New York, Aunt Peggy, Cassie and Hayley.

P.S.- Mom and Dad, I have no idea what's coming, but thanks for being by my side- your trust, words, and excitement for me are all much appreciated!

Thank You to Open Letter

(An open letter, formerly a handwritten thank you)

Dear Ms. Judd,
    
     As I sit in a coffee shop scribing this letter, my sanity nags at me. I am not exactly sure why I am writing, if I will send this, or to where I would even do so, but amidst attempting to complete three weeks of course work in the first week of my final semester of undergrad (I am leaving for Sundance and grad school auditions in a few days,) something made me stop to write this. I guess maybe its because I believe in the karma of Thank You's and have owed one for a while now.
     So that you know where I am coming from, and the full extent of my gratitude, let me introduce myself. I am a senior at UK (Go Cats!) studying International Relations with minors in Poli Sci and Theatre. I have been fortunate enough that two summers of theatre study were spent in London and my Junior year was spent studying under leading academics in IR and Terrorism at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. These aspects of college do not define me, but they have definitely given me the time to find out who I am.
     As a Freshman, I began college in a struggle that was unbeknownst to me, but manifested itself in a continuance of two long years of daily migraines...I now know, understand, and even appreciate that this was depression. A few months into that year I was fortunate enough to find a community that led me to a relationship with God. As someone who gets passionate about things quickly, I jumped headfirst into this Christian community and ministry. (Oh and in March that year we cheered on the Cats court side in the Super Dome as they won the National Championship!) That following summer I began All that is Bitter and Sweet, and simultaneously read History Boys. I knew I was going to like your book from the start and then in History Boys I read,

     "The best moments in reading are when you come across something-- a thought, a feeling, a way of looking at things-- that you'd thought special, particular to you. And here it is, set down by someone else, a person you've never met, maybe even someone long dead. And it's as if a hand has come out, and taken yours."

This was it! You, your words, experiences, your vulnerability were a comfort I had not yet found. I identified with your passion for international work/service, your desire to act, and so much more. Even bigger than this though, through your sharing of your time in recovery, and your road there, I became aware of the weight of my depression, that I needed to face it, and more importantly that it was okay to be there and it wasn't my fault. This was the first time I felt a sense of freedom, and I continued to highlight the pages of All that is Bitter and Sweet the summer over.

     My sophomore year rolled around and culminated in the decision to spend my next year abroad in St. Andrews as they have a leading program in my field, but more so because I identified that my battle with depression was slow moving as I was the people around me, my parents, sorority sisters, christian community...I allowed them to be my voice, and although I so badly wanted to shout mine out, I couldn't bare the thought of being a disappointment.

     As I am sure you are aware, the pure, unscathed wilderness of Scotland is a breath of fresh air and a beautiful beginning to a life altering year, but during the wee hours of winter, a dark place to be in a "dark place." Boy did 2:30pm sunsets help me find find rock bottom, but without rock bottom there is no up! On cold, damp mornings spent hiking up to see quiet beaches fade into the abyss of the ocean meeting cliffs and green pastures in the horizon (which lends itself to being in the middle of freakin' nowhere) I met with my thoughts on all things life. I realized where I stand with God, not where my friends stood; I harnessed the courage to risk doing what I want, even if it did disappoint; and I began to confidently travel to new countries and places full of people so unlike myself that I feel privileged to have learned that though we live in what can seem like a cruel world, the human condition is the same everywhere. I found that I have been dealt a life with many things better, some worse, and others simply different than the rest of the world. All of my time away without the influence of others, investing in myself for the first time ever, was like my recovery.

   Now that I have found my voice and what it wants to say, I am pursing a career in acting which had been a secret life long dream. I know, by the leadership of the Holy Spirit, that I was put here to use my voice for others who, like myself, in someway lack one whether it is because they are muted by illness, it is suppressed by the force of politics, it is too remote to be noticed or something else I am yet to come to know and understand. I am so very excited to be at peace working in a number of ways to a life where all of the worlds I know, have studied, or experienced, and those that I have not, converge.

     I apologize that it has taken me over two pages to get here, but I tell you all of this because over and over again I find myself running back to All that is Bitter and Sweet as a guide, as comfort, and as a reference to explain myself to others-- your writing has been my small version of your Archbishop Desmond Tutu. In it you note the importance of mentors in a world of loneliness because no one else lives our exact experiences. You have gone ahead to where I have not been, but look back with the love born of admirable wisdom, grace, mercy and compassion that I feel blessed to have encounter to aid me in a life of my own experiences, not those ruled by depression or my loving friends and family.

     So, I feel a Thank You in order! I have never felt comfortable living life with unspoken/ unshared gratitude because its many of these small things that make the world go round.

     Ms. Judd, thank you for your life, words, vulnerability and guidance.

Kindly,

Courtney Stone

P.S.- If you find yourself in Lexington this basketball season wanting to talk life, the Bluegrass, or this crazy world we live in, I'll be here rooting for the Cats!